April

April is a very difficult month for me. I thought that I was making progress getting through it but I’m not so sure. It wasn’t always like this. The only event that occurred in the month of April which had significance to me was the birth of my niece twenty plus years ago on April 1. That was a very happy event. But then another event occurred during the month of April in 2013 which wasn’t happy at all. My mother died on April 23 and my life changed in ways that I am still discovering.

I knew how sick my mom was and somewhere inside I also knew that she would not live forever. But that doesn’t make it any easier to accept when it happens. There were hints that the time was coming near. My mom let us know that she was not going to be here long. She said that she was going to take a trip and when we asked where she was going she just said that she was going on a trip. We knew there was something happening because for the past 9 years our mom had not taken any trips.

The hospital admissions were getting more frequent. I could see that my mom was not recovering the way that she always did. She was slowing down and I could see that. Her last admission to the hospital was in December 2012 and she was released on Christmas Day. When she returned home she told me that she did not want to go back to a hospital ever again. She said that she was tired of being stuck with needles and she was not submitting to any more treatments or tests. She told me if it is her time to die then she is okay with it.

That was definitely a trying time for me. I had to reconcile my wishes and feelings with the wishes and feelings of my mother. I knew that she would not survive if she didn’t go back to the hospital at those times when she was having difficulty breathing. My mother had congested heart failure and that meant her heart was functioning at about 25% of its capacity. The doctor explained to me that most of our hearts function at about 60% of capacity so I knew that it was a struggle for her. After coming to grips with my emotions I eventually began to understand what she was going through.

My mom and dad entered into at home hospice care at the end of January 2013. They had a home attendant with them for eight hours a day Monday through Friday. The idea of a home attendant did not sit well with my mom because she felt that she could do for herself. And she did, for a while, but she would get tired and then allow the home attendant to assist her. It was very hard to watch my independent parents as they began to slow down and become dependent on others. I felt that they were wrestling with their own mortality at times. I was not always conscious of their feelings while they were dealing with their limitations and frailties because I was too busy fearing the coming of their eventual deaths.

My mother would always tell me that I should just go on and do whatever I needed to do and go wherever I wanted to go. She told me that when it was time for her to go I would not be able to stop it even if I was there. My mother knew that I was concerned about her being alone when that time came. Well, on April 23, 2013 between 8:30 and 8:45 pm it happened as she said. My mom died in her bed with me holding her hand. I was there in the bedroom alone with her or so I thought. She was struggling to breathe and even with the oxygen on, it wasn’t helping. She asked me for the mask which was the nebulizer machine and medication to help her breathe. I put the mask over her nose and mouth and the medicine steamed in. I sat on the bed next to her and I asked her if the medicine was helping. She answered “a little”. I never guessed that these would be the last words my mother would ever say to me. I took her hand into mine and I rubbed it with my other hand. I told her that everything would be okay. She squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes and then she looked past me. Her eyes followed someone across the room and then she closed her eyes. I was still holding her hand. I called her but she did not answer. The implanted defibrillator was working, shocking my mother’s heart in an attempt to restart it. I could see her chest twitch with each shock but I knew in my being that she was gone.  After a few more seconds the defibrillator stopped.

I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel any of the sadness that would eventually come. In those moments it was quiet except for the hum of the nebulizer. When I think back on those moments, it was very peaceful. So my mother left this earthly world the way that she wished. She died in her house, in her bedroom and in her bed without anyone poking her or banging on her. I called the hospice office and updated them to what was happening. I was told that the nurse on call would be here soon.

So my mother was right, I was there and I couldn’t do anything to stop her leaving. I do feel that God blessed me that night by allowing me to be present with her so that she was not alone when she died. I often wondered if my presence there gave her comfort as she made her transition. I’ve thanked God many times for allowing my mom to go home with him when she did. It has not been easy for me to navigate through life without my mom but I’m still moving forward. Since that night I have been searching for answers that could help me understand what I’ve been going through. God has been the answer to my search but in ways that I never imagined. So you see, April is a difficult month for me, but with each passing day God is helping me make it through and for that I am truly thankful.