Fear

There are times when we are afraid to do the things that we know that we must do. We don’t always understand the why so we make excuses for not doing anything. Even when we know deep down inside that this is what we have to do we don’t always do it. When it is whispered in our ears we still try to bargain our way out of it. We begin to procrastinate. We find all kinds of reasons to not do what is asked or what we are told to do.

I know about procrastination. I was told about creating a blog almost 4 years ago. At the time I really did not know what a blog was and I did not know what I should be writing about in a blog. So I became friends with procrastination. I questioned why I needed to create a blog and I questioned what I should write about. Each time the answer was the same. Just write about what you went through and how you are still making it through. I was told that my experiences would help so many people. I was told that I had no idea how it would affect people who were going through similar experiences.

I was a member of NYPD and for 22 years I saw things that I could never imagine and many of them I would have never wanted to imagine. But I survived it and I experienced lessons that helped me get through my time as the primary caretaker of my parents. That assignment was one of the most difficult for me. Growing up with your parents leading you through life is totally different from you now leading them through the end of their life. Yes, that’s really what it was and I guess I didn’t realize that until they were gone.

Keeping doctor appointments, making sure that medicine was there when needed, trying to balance your worry about them against their need for independence. These were not easy lessons. Sometimes I failed and sometimes I passed but I did them and that was the only thing that mattered. I had to grow up even though I was already an adult. I was their child and through their eyes I would always be their child and always be dependent upon them. Through my eyes they were mommy and daddy and they didn’t need my help. They knew how to get through this life without me but that was not true towards the end.

And then one day I saw this elderly man and this elderly woman standing in my mother’s kitchen and just like that the spell was broken. I was now seeing them for who they were. They were elderly now and not able to make all of their own decisions alone. So my sisters and I were now assisting them as they made their way through their new journey. I get the feeling that they were just as uncertain in their new role as I was in mine but we made it through. I don’t know if it was difficult for them to adjust to their new assignments after they left, but it sure has been difficult for me to adjust to mine.

I was in a dark place after they died and sometimes I was not even aware that I was in that place. I was alone and afraid of what I was going to do now that my parents were no longer here on this earth. I had heard many times from my mother that God never gives you more than you can bear. There were times when I didn’t always think that I could bear anymore but somehow I did. I know that I did not get through this on my own. I know that God has been leading me every step and for that I am truly grateful. I asked for God’s help many times and I am happy to say that I received it each and every time. I’m not as fearful any more. I still have my moments when it grabs me but I’m able to pull free much faster than before.

So here I am, sharing my experiences and I do hope that it helps that person who may  be going through something that is similar or different from my experience. I hope that you are able to ask God for help as I did and find no shame in receiving it and talking about it. And most important, don’t be afraid.