Author: patswritingpad

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the death of my father. He died on Monday, May 19, 2014.  I’m not sure of the exact time of his death but it was between 7:30 and 8:30 am. My dad was bedridden at the time of his death and he suffered with Parkinson Disease, diabetes, and he was a prostate cancer survivor. Daddy was at home in his bedroom when he died and that’s what he wanted.

My dad was a very independent man and the illnesses that he suffered took away that independence. He only had about 20% of his eyesight left because of diabetes and glaucoma. The Parkinson disease changed his life because he suffered with tremors. His hands shook uncontrollably. Although he had medication to help with the severity of the tremors it did not stop them completely.  My dad also suffered with dementia but he always knew who we were.

My father worked two jobs so that my mom could stay home and take care of me and my sisters. He was a motorman for the New York City Transit Authority. He drove the subway train and he loved it. He was also a part-time cook at the Board of Eduction. He was responsible for preparing the lunch for kids in public school. So dad could cook.

I miss my dad and if any of you have experienced someone who you love going through dementia, then you know that it can be stressful at times. Some days were good days for him and some days, not so much. I do thank God that it was not as bad as it could have been. Losing my dad while I was still trying to grapple with the loss of my mom was difficult. Within 13 months both of my parents were gone. The grief has been overwhelming at times but God has been patient with me and has taught me so much about this life that we live.

It takes time to get through this life without the people you love and depended on. Now that they are no longer in this physical world, life can be very confusing and very lonely. The missing is the hard part and the darkness inside that tunnel of confusion can make it difficult to see that pinhole of light at the end of it. God has promised us that we will not be alone and I have found that to be true. God has been leading me through the dark days and the light days. For that I am grateful because I would not have been able to do it alone.

For those of you who are feeling the pain of loss, take one step at a time. Your grief experience is yours and no one can have it for you. Cry when you feel like it. Find someone who will listen to you when you have the need to talk about your loss. Write down your feeling about your loss. Go to grief counseling. Find books written by those people who have experienced the grief. There may be something in their story that helps to ease some of your pain. Know that you are not alone. There are more of us than you may think.

I love you daddy and I miss you.

 

For some of us this day holds more sadness than celebration because the women who nurtured and loved us as mother are no longer here in this physical realm. Those women may have been mother, grandmother, aunt, cousin, godmother or family friend. Their influence on our lives are tremendous. There are also some mothers who are spending this day without their children because they are no longer here in this physical realm. Never the less, it is still their Mother’s Day.

There will be times today when we will lose ourselves in the space of our memories of those we lost and that’s fine. Do not feel bad or apologize for the feelings that you have. This is your experience and it belongs only to you. If you feel sad, sit in that sadness until it has accomplished what it came to do. If you feel like crying, then cry for those you love and allow the tears to wash over you. If you feel more joy inside of you than you have ever felt before, sit in that joy and allow it to do what it has come to do. There is no right or wrong.

For some of us the pain of loss will feel almost unbearable, but the intensity is measured only by those who are not experiencing it. It is important to know that those you love and miss also love and miss you. I look at those moments when the sadness and the loneliness feel the heaviest as the time when my mom is the closest to me. Say all the things you are feeling to them. Let them know that you love them and miss them. But also take the time to stop and listen to them tell you just how much they love and miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day mommy, I love you!!!!!

I was able to get through the 4th anniversary of my mother’s death on April 23 and I have to admit that it wasn’t as painful as the previous ones. I still miss my mother but I do have a better feeling about her not being here. There is no magic answer for how long you hurt. One thing that I’ve learned about this thing called grief, it’s a very personal experience.

Grief shows up after a loss. That loss can be a person, a job, a home or anything that is valuable to you. The loss of a person may be due to death or it may be a loss due to the ending of a relationship. It doesn’t matter the reason for the loss, it is the pain, confusion, emptiness and other depressive feelings that often results in the appearance of grief. Grief is a natural process that shows how much that loss has affected our lives. Grief is also a very personal experience and no two people will grieve in the same way. There are no rules governing grief and there are times when it seems that grief does not play fair. I can tell you what happened to me and some of you may notice some similarities.

My world turned upside down after my mom died. The emptiness that I felt was overwhelming. For the first time in my life I was so confused and had no idea what to do. I had no desire to do anything. My dad was not able to travel to South Carolina to attend my mother’s funeral so he and I were here in New York.  I realize that we both missed out on a very important part of the grieving process. We missed the opportunity to be around family and friends who were sharing in our loss. We were isolated from the rest of the family at a time when we probably needed them the most to help us through our grief.

My dad and I also missed out on two happy events that occurred during the month of May in 2013. My nephew graduated from graduate school and his wedding was a few days later. So here again, my dad and I were isolated from the rest of the family during a time which may have helped us during our grief. My mom was a very important person in each of our lives and the pain was tremendous. This was no one’s fault, things happened the way they happened. I must admit that during those early days after my mother’s death I was blinded by my pain and confusion. This was a new feeling and experience for me. One that was totally unfamiliar.

I stumbled through day after day and things did not get any easier for me. I realized that I was lost without my mother and many of my friends and family members couldn’t do anything to help me. I later found out that many people in my life thought that I had everything under control. In their eyes I was strong so I didn’t need the comfort and care that would have been given if the perception was that I was not so strong. Sometimes people will call you strong so that they don’t have to shoulder any of the responsibility and relieve themselves of any guilt. I wasn’t strong, I did the things that I did because I had to do them. But even if I was strong this was different, this was my mother’s death. And yes, I know that there are plenty of people who have lost their parents and my condolences go to them, but this was my mother and yes, it was traumatic for me. Strong people need other people’s strength sometimes, especially when they are hurting. Try asking them if they need anything. Ask them if they want or need to talk about their feelings.

I found out what many others before me probably knew, when you are grieving you have the uncontrollable need to talk about the experience you had surrounding the loss. Most people are kind, they will listen to you talk about what happened while you were suffering your loss. But be aware that some will only tolerate listening to that story one or two times. They will then make excuses so they don’t have to suffer through another telling of your tragedy. And that is painful. Please understand that this is not everyone but it does occur. If some people have not experienced the pain of grief, many of them have no patience or understanding of what you’re going through. Sometimes people who have not suffered loss or experienced grief are afraid of it and when we allow fear to control our actions it can be painful for everyone. Some of us are lucky and we have friends or family members who are patient and loving and only want for us to become whole again.

Some of us aren’t that lucky and we must go to private counseling and therapy to wrestle with the feelings that are taking over our lives. One-on-one meetings with a psychiatrist or psychologist may be necessary to get a handle on your feelings. Group counseling dealing with grief may be another option. I can tell you that I’ve gone through all of these things. I looked for answers and I did everything I could to get myself together. I’m not ashamed of searching for help or accepting it and I recommend it to everyone. The loss of my parents changed my life and I have not been the same since. I will never be the same again.

The void that you feel in your life is real and don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not. I’m here to tell you that there is light at the end of that tunnel of darkness that you’re going through. This is just one aspect of dealing with grief. There are many more. I’m not over the grief of my parents. I don’t believe that I ever will be, but I am able to function better and I have a better understanding of how I should allow grief to heal me. I realize now that God was leading me every step of the way to my healing. God is still leading me. Writing this blog is a part of that healing.

 

 

 

April is a very difficult month for me. I thought that I was making progress getting through it but I’m not so sure. It wasn’t always like this. The only event that occurred in the month of April which had significance to me was the birth of my niece twenty plus years ago on April 1. That was a very happy event. But then another event occurred during the month of April in 2013 which wasn’t happy at all. My mother died on April 23 and my life changed in ways that I am still discovering.

I knew how sick my mom was and somewhere inside I also knew that she would not live forever. But that doesn’t make it any easier to accept when it happens. There were hints that the time was coming near. My mom let us know that she was not going to be here long. She said that she was going to take a trip and when we asked where she was going she just said that she was going on a trip. We knew there was something happening because for the past 9 years our mom had not taken any trips.

The hospital admissions were getting more frequent. I could see that my mom was not recovering the way that she always did. She was slowing down and I could see that. Her last admission to the hospital was in December 2012 and she was released on Christmas Day. When she returned home she told me that she did not want to go back to a hospital ever again. She said that she was tired of being stuck with needles and she was not submitting to any more treatments or tests. She told me if it is her time to die then she is okay with it.

That was definitely a trying time for me. I had to reconcile my wishes and feelings with the wishes and feelings of my mother. I knew that she would not survive if she didn’t go back to the hospital at those times when she was having difficulty breathing. My mother had congested heart failure and that meant her heart was functioning at about 25% of its capacity. The doctor explained to me that most of our hearts function at about 60% of capacity so I knew that it was a struggle for her. After coming to grips with my emotions I eventually began to understand what she was going through.

My mom and dad entered into at home hospice care at the end of January 2013. They had a home attendant with them for eight hours a day Monday through Friday. The idea of a home attendant did not sit well with my mom because she felt that she could do for herself. And she did, for a while, but she would get tired and then allow the home attendant to assist her. It was very hard to watch my independent parents as they began to slow down and become dependent on others. I felt that they were wrestling with their own mortality at times. I was not always conscious of their feelings while they were dealing with their limitations and frailties because I was too busy fearing the coming of their eventual deaths.

My mother would always tell me that I should just go on and do whatever I needed to do and go wherever I wanted to go. She told me that when it was time for her to go I would not be able to stop it even if I was there. My mother knew that I was concerned about her being alone when that time came. Well, on April 23, 2013 between 8:30 and 8:45 pm it happened as she said. My mom died in her bed with me holding her hand. I was there in the bedroom alone with her or so I thought. She was struggling to breathe and even with the oxygen on, it wasn’t helping. She asked me for the mask which was the nebulizer machine and medication to help her breathe. I put the mask over her nose and mouth and the medicine steamed in. I sat on the bed next to her and I asked her if the medicine was helping. She answered “a little”. I never guessed that these would be the last words my mother would ever say to me. I took her hand into mine and I rubbed it with my other hand. I told her that everything would be okay. She squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes and then she looked past me. Her eyes followed someone across the room and then she closed her eyes. I was still holding her hand. I called her but she did not answer. The implanted defibrillator was working, shocking my mother’s heart in an attempt to restart it. I could see her chest twitch with each shock but I knew in my being that she was gone.  After a few more seconds the defibrillator stopped.

I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel any of the sadness that would eventually come. In those moments it was quiet except for the hum of the nebulizer. When I think back on those moments, it was very peaceful. So my mother left this earthly world the way that she wished. She died in her house, in her bedroom and in her bed without anyone poking her or banging on her. I called the hospice office and updated them to what was happening. I was told that the nurse on call would be here soon.

So my mother was right, I was there and I couldn’t do anything to stop her leaving. I do feel that God blessed me that night by allowing me to be present with her so that she was not alone when she died. I often wondered if my presence there gave her comfort as she made her transition. I’ve thanked God many times for allowing my mom to go home with him when she did. It has not been easy for me to navigate through life without my mom but I’m still moving forward. Since that night I have been searching for answers that could help me understand what I’ve been going through. God has been the answer to my search but in ways that I never imagined. So you see, April is a difficult month for me, but with each passing day God is helping me make it through and for that I am truly thankful.

We had snow this week and the forecast was for more than a foot to fall in New York City. There was an uneasy feeling that showed up in my being and I was unable to shake it. I finally realized that it was sadness because I was missing my mother. My mother loved it when it snowed and she had no problem going out to shovel it before her health made that a thing of the past. There were times when she was able to take the broom and sweep some of the snow off of the porch and she loved doing that.

We were lucky this week with only about 6 inches falling but I remember the times when it would really pile up and I had to shovel the snow in shifts. I would go out and shovel for 2 hours and then come back inside for 2 hours. I would then go back out and work some more until it was completed. Living in New York always holds surprises during the winter. Some winters were better than others. The snow and the ice were the things that made winter difficult for me. I never had a problem with the cold weather because I would dress for it but the snow and the ice always added some stress for me.

As my parents aged and their health began to fail them, I had to be especially careful when scheduling their doctor appointments. I was very concerned about the snow and the ice and their ability to maneuver through it. Snow and ice falling from the tops of buildings and other structures were also a concern of mine for them. My feelings for the snow never matched my mother’s love for it but I manage to this day to get through it.

I remember one storm that left us with more than 15 inches of snow on the ground. I went out and started shoveling and about 30 minutes later when I looked up, my mother was standing out on the porch. When I asked her why she was out here she said that she was here to keep me company while I shoveled. I thought that it was so sweet. So we stayed out there for about 30 minutes and I told her it was time for us to go inside. That was the last snow storm she was able to be outside while I shoveled. She was able to watch me shovel from the living room window.

So now each time I hear a forecast of snow I smile because I know when I go out there to shovel my mom will be there with me. Some days are better than others when you’re missing someone that has left the physical world and returned to the spiritual world. I miss her dearly and although I’m well aware that she is still nearby in spirit, it saddens me since I’m unable to see her. So I allow my sadness to work its way through me and add some more healing  love to my heart. I let my mother know that I do miss her and love her.

And I am grateful and thankful to God for the snow which allowed me to spend some special time with my mother’s memory. So as the tears well up in my eyes, I just let them flow and accept the love and comfort from God and my mommy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are times when we are afraid to do the things that we know that we must do. We don’t always understand the why so we make excuses for not doing anything. Even when we know deep down inside that this is what we have to do we don’t always do it. When it is whispered in our ears we still try to bargain our way out of it. We begin to procrastinate. We find all kinds of reasons to not do what is asked or what we are told to do.

I know about procrastination. I was told about creating a blog almost 4 years ago. At the time I really did not know what a blog was and I did not know what I should be writing about in a blog. So I became friends with procrastination. I questioned why I needed to create a blog and I questioned what I should write about. Each time the answer was the same. Just write about what you went through and how you are still making it through. I was told that my experiences would help so many people. I was told that I had no idea how it would affect people who were going through similar experiences.

I was a member of NYPD and for 22 years I saw things that I could never imagine and many of them I would have never wanted to imagine. But I survived it and I experienced lessons that helped me get through my time as the primary caretaker of my parents. That assignment was one of the most difficult for me. Growing up with your parents leading you through life is totally different from you now leading them through the end of their life. Yes, that’s really what it was and I guess I didn’t realize that until they were gone.

Keeping doctor appointments, making sure that medicine was there when needed, trying to balance your worry about them against their need for independence. These were not easy lessons. Sometimes I failed and sometimes I passed but I did them and that was the only thing that mattered. I had to grow up even though I was already an adult. I was their child and through their eyes I would always be their child and always be dependent upon them. Through my eyes they were mommy and daddy and they didn’t need my help. They knew how to get through this life without me but that was not true towards the end.

And then one day I saw this elderly man and this elderly woman standing in my mother’s kitchen and just like that the spell was broken. I was now seeing them for who they were. They were elderly now and not able to make all of their own decisions alone. So my sisters and I were now assisting them as they made their way through their new journey. I get the feeling that they were just as uncertain in their new role as I was in mine but we made it through. I don’t know if it was difficult for them to adjust to their new assignments after they left, but it sure has been difficult for me to adjust to mine.

I was in a dark place after they died and sometimes I was not even aware that I was in that place. I was alone and afraid of what I was going to do now that my parents were no longer here on this earth. I had heard many times from my mother that God never gives you more than you can bear. There were times when I didn’t always think that I could bear anymore but somehow I did. I know that I did not get through this on my own. I know that God has been leading me every step and for that I am truly grateful. I asked for God’s help many times and I am happy to say that I received it each and every time. I’m not as fearful any more. I still have my moments when it grabs me but I’m able to pull free much faster than before.

So here I am, sharing my experiences and I do hope that it helps that person who may  be going through something that is similar or different from my experience. I hope that you are able to ask God for help as I did and find no shame in receiving it and talking about it. And most important, don’t be afraid.

These writings are a part of my healing process. That process began almost 4 years ago on Tuesday, April 23, 2013. That’s the night that my mother died and left this physical world to return to God in the spiritual world. I had no idea what a great impact her death would have on me and it is only recently that I have been able to understand that impact. My father died a year later on Monday, May 19, 2014 and my journey through the loneliness and emptiness that I felt only increased.

I am not sharing this for people to pity me or feel sorry for me. My experience is nothing new. Each of us will at some point in our lives have a loss that will shatter our perception of our world. I am sharing this to let all who are suffering through the grief of loss know that they are not alone. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. Although you may not see that light it is there none the less. I had to go through several different experiences of growth to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I was in.

I went to professional counseling and I went through group counseling . I also went through spiritual counseling. I learned how to pray so that i could speak with God and I learned how to meditate to quiet the noise inside my head so that I could hear God’s answers. I am a work in progress and I accept that. I don’t know all the answers and I don’t profess to, but I do know that God has led me through my pain and loneliness and I’m okay with it.

I’m not a doctor, I’m not a therapist and I’m not a counselor. I’m a person who has experienced the suffering and has searched for some answers and I have found an answer that has helped me. I share my experience so that you may see the love of God as he works through my life. If something that I share helps someone, then I have accomplished my goal. This blog, just like me, is a work in progress. Please see the message and not so much of the packaging. As time goes by we, the blog and I,  will both continue to grow.