Author: patswritingpad

Your current situation is not your final destination. I heard these words several times. I read these words several times. I’m not sure when I first heard or read it but it stayed with me. At some point I began to think that this was a message to me from God.

Your current situation is not your final destination no matter how comfortable it may feel. No matter how happy you may be in it. It’s not your final destination no matter how painful it may feel. No matter how lonely or lost you may feel. There is more that must be experienced. There is more that is required of me, of us. There are situations that we may find ourselves in which will test our resolve.

The butterfly struggles to make its way out of the cocoon and that struggles causes it to beat itself against that cocoon so that its wings can develop. It may be a struggle and it could be painful but it is necessary for that butterfly to go through it to reach its next level. Once those wings are formed and strengthened, it can fly. the freedom that comes with that growth is not visible when you see the beginning stages but it’s a part of the process.

We must struggle at times and go through some things that will cause us pain so that we are able to grow to our next level. The freedom and growth that waits on the other side is not always visible when we begin our journey. Sometimes the challenges are so large that we become overwhelmed. As we fight through our challenges we get stronger. We grow bigger. We begin to see the big picture. We become better than we ever thought that we could be.

Right now, in this time of fear and isolation, what if you could call your God into your space and talk with them. Who would you call on?  Those of you who follow the Christian faith, would you call on Jesus?  Those of you who are of the Muslim faith, would you call on the prophet Muhammad?  Would those of you who practice Buddhism, would you call on the Buddha?  Those of you who may follow the path of The Ifa religion, which of your Orishas would you call on?

There are so many different religious practices around.  I believe that they all lead to but one God.  I am an Interfaith minister and I believe that each religion or spiritual practice has its own Master or Leader whose task is to lead all followers to God.  If you could call on the Master or Leader of your religion and invite them into your home and invite them to sit at your dining room table who would you call?  What would you talk about?  Would you tell them of the fear that you have?  Would you share with them just how lonely you are?  If they asked you why you are feeling so lonely, would you be able to express it? If they asked you what you are so afraid of could you tell them?

When I sit with my spiritual Master and I express those feelings that make me uneasy or anxious, there is a calmness that is present.  As I search for words to describe the feelings that I have there is a  peace that surrounds me.  The more I share the lighter I become.  I then notice that as I listen to God speak through that Master, my sense of security returns.  I then realize that my faith has been fanned so that it burns brighter than before.

God tells me that I am not alone and that He/She/It is always with me.  I believe that to be true.  There is that peace of God that comes over me and in me and through me.  Peace like I have never felt but I feel something familiar as I relax in it.  I find myself letting go of all that I held on to.  I’m at peace and I’m okay with that.

It’s been a while since I’ve written here and I really can’t explain why I haven’t. I’m writing now. This is my place where I sat with my grief and sadness. I’m back again. The sadness has returned but not as strong as it has been in the past. It’s been 6 years since I became intimate with sadness and grief. Our relationship has changed in certain ways but we’re still connected with each other. I’m beginning to understand that we will be connected for as long as I’m alive.

It was April 2013 when my mother died. My life has not been the same since then. In May 2014 my father died. It hasn’t been all bad. There have been some amazing and wonderful things which have transpired in the years since they’ve been gone. There have been some things that occurred in my life which amplified the fact that my parents were no longer here on this earth. So here I am present in the world with my parents gone. There have been so many times when I’ve reached for them and I’ve been jolted back into reality with the fact that they’re gone.

Today is my dad’s birthday. Next week is Thanksgiving Day which happens to fall on my parent’s wedding anniversary this year. I’ve noticed that sadness and grief have been walking behind me. Following me. Today sadness and grief are closer than they have been in a while. I realize that the holidays are the magnet which draws them closer to me. I’m not the only one to have an intimate relationship with sadness and grief. There are plenty of people going through similar experiences. Some are dealing with sadness and grief for the very first time. Some know that there is something going on but they are not familiar with it’s name.

I have learned that when sadness and grief show up I allow them to sit with me. I allow myself to feel them and I allow them to heal me. Some days that means that I sit and cry. I talk with my parents and I talk with God. I allow sadness and grief to fill me and wash over me but I control how long they are allowed to stay. I give sadness and grief their time and they give me back my time. I had to learn how to work with sadness and grief if I wished to continue in this life. I have come to understand that I need them just as much as they need me.

I have come to realize that sadness and grief will be a part of my life for as long as I live. It is because of the love that I have for my parents. I can’t change that nor would I want to change it. I have continued to live although it was much more difficult during those early years than it is now. I still have a difficult time celebrating holidays such as Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. These are not happy times for me so I tend to stay to myself. I find things that I can do to distract myself so that I am able to get through these days.

I am thankful and grateful to be here even though it means keeping my two companions, sadness and grief. They are not always up front and in my face, but they are a part of my reality and that’s okay. I know that this is all a part of my life experience and I have to make the best of it. I also know that God teaches me with love how to continue in this life and for that I am forever grateful.

Today is my mother’s birthday and she is 90 years old in my experience with her. It’s the sixth birthday that we have observed since she returned to the spirit realm. I miss her dearly and I think of her often. I have two sisters and we each have experienced our mother differently. We each experience our grief differently and that’s okay.

My life has taken a few twists and turns since my mom left. Some things I never imagined have occurred and some things that seem to have given me some continuity in my life. My world changed when my mother died. I have listened to some people call it transition but I have to say that she died. It is a harsher term and that’s exactly how I feel about what happened. It was harsh.

I know that my mom is in a better place now. I know how much suffering she went through without complaint. I am thankful and grateful that God allowed her to leave this world and finally have some peace. I still feel the harshness of her not being here. I miss her at times more than I could have ever imagined.

To all of you who have experienced the loss of a love one be it through breakup, or divorce or death, I can only say that it gets better. You will find your balance again. You will smile again. You will wake up one day and find that you are looking forward to the future. It will not diminish the empty feeling you have for the person but it will show you how to continue living even though it is without them.

When my world turned upside down with the death of my mother I turned to God. I asked God to help me make sense of my life at that point. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I had no idea how I would survive without my mother but I have. It hasn’t always been easy but it has been consistent. I have found comfort in God. I hope that those who are grieving find comfort too.

There are time when I think about my mom and I start to cry. I use to stop the tears but I don’t anymore. I truly believe that the tears help me to heal. So Happy Birthday mommy. I miss you today and I will miss you forever. I love you more than I will ever be able to explain but somehow, I know that you understand.

Be careful of your prayers. When there is something in your life and it is exactly what you want you must be careful how you attempt to keep it. When you pray to have that person, that thing or that experience stay the way that it is, you put chains around it. You cut off the free flow of energy that makes it so exciting and so valuable. We must learn to be thankful and grateful for what we enjoy and love but we must also learn to hold on to things with an open hand. It’s very difficult to do because we are so conditioned to  attaching ourselves to so many things and so many people. We have to allow the energy to flow or we damage the experience of that place, thing, or that person . Our intentions may not be to cause harm but it is still producing negative results.

There are no time limits in the spiritual realm. We humans set up time as a gauge to track our experiences. The universe does not track our experiences in that way. There are experiences that we are to have which may only last for a day. There are other experiences that may only last a week. There are other experiences that may last your lifetime. Since we enjoy them and feel comfortable in them we want them to stay forever. That’s not the way God designed things. There is order in God’s design. We must learn to  walk in the experience and/or sit in that experience for however long God has designated and then we must be prepared to move on. We must allow for new experiences to enter but there must be room for them to do so.

God plans events in our life to be used as stepping stones toward our divine growth. We often confuse those stepping stones and want to make them landing pads. This is not what God has decreed for us. We enjoy staying on the stepping stone and we believe that we have reached our highest point for our life. We get comfortable and we don’t want to leave that place. We want to stay right here, but that’s not the place that God has designed for you to stay. God’s dream for your life is greater than any dream you could ever have. Allow God to show you that dream and free yourself so that you are able to live the dream that has been designed for you. Stop trying to modify God’s dream for you. When you do that you fall short of all the love, the goodness and the beauty that God wants you to know.

Learn to flow with each experience for however long it may be present in your life. Be grateful for its existence and be thankful that you have been allowed to feel the things that you feel. Do not pray for that experience to last forever because you unlock doors and throw chains on things that you cannot see. Learn to hold everything and everyone that is near and dear to you with an open hand.

Some of us have made it through another Thanksgiving day without the people we love so dearly. There are a number of reasons why those people were not with us physically. Maybe that special relationship has ended, maybe our responsibilities have pulled us in another direction so that the separation is a temporary one and maybe those that we love have transitioned this plane and are now present with God. The reason is not important. It is the feeling that grabs on to us and doesn’t seem to let go.

The loneliness and the emptiness seem to be magnified beyond what our being can handle, but we do handle it. Some of us decide not to partake in family events because the pain is still too sharp. Some of us just wish to get through the day as quickly as possible. It’s no longer the fun and joyous time that we use to have. It’s painful and it sometimes begins a day or two before the actual holiday. It doesn’t feel like we will ever get through the fog that surrounds us.

But we do get through the fog. It just takes time. It takes time for those memories that we hold dear to act as a balm and heal us. It takes time for us to stop looking in the physical for our love ones and start feeling in the spiritual for their presence. It takes time to accept that you are stronger than you think you are. It takes time to learn how to rely on God’s love to get us through. The holidays will come and go. Some of us will only suffer for a few days or weeks or months because our separations are temporary. Others of us will suffer for years and/or decades because our loss is permanent in this physical world.

Slowly the pain will lessen. It may take months and in some cases it may take years. Just know that it does lessen. It may never go away completely because we will never forget those who we are missing. But you will learn how to make new “normals” and traditions that you will be able to enjoy around the holidays. You will never recapture the feelings of what was since the people who were the biggest part of that are no longer here physically. However, you will learn how to create new routines and experience new laughs and love and warmth.

And this is all because of the grace of God.

So last night I had a conversation with the members of my spiritual development group about expectation. I am currently in seminary school and my dean asked me what was my expectation concerning the class. What did I expect to get out of the class? My answer was I have no expectations. I’m open to whatever I am to experience there and I have no predetermined beliefs of what will happen. I shared my answer with the group and my spiritual leader was not pleased. He stated that I had to have an expectation or there was no reason to attend the classes.

Well, I’m attending these classes because that’s what God directed me to do. I have been told on many different occasions by several different people, God has placed purpose on my life and it involves ministry. At first I didn’t understand what that meant but I do now. I was very reluctant to accept that responsibility but I do accept it now. I am obedient and following the path towards my purpose that God has laid out before me. I explained to the group that I don’t see myself in the role that God is leading me and that they have seen me in.

One of my class members asked me, ” When you signed up to become a police officer, what did you expect?” My answer was that I expected a paycheck and benefits because that is what came along with the job. I get the feeling that once again I missed the vision placed before me when I accepted that job. I didn’t know what being a police officer held for me but I was open and went in and did my job. I stayed for 22 years and then I retired.

Words are important to me. I believe that words have power so I work hard to be careful with my words. When I say that I have no expectations at this point while going through these classes. I am not attempting to diminish the value of the experience. I am not attempting to curse my experience. I am honest when I say that I do not see the same vision that everyone else in my group sees.

Maybe I shouldn’t see it now. Maybe I should remain open to all that these classes and school has to offer me for the next two years. My spiritual leader informed me that Spirit said that I am not attached to the outcome. What if I shouldn’t be attached to the outcome right now. I trust God and I know that anything he leads me to he will lead me through. Maybe the vision that others see carries too much responsibility for me to bear at this time. There may be some issues that still require me to work out before that veil is lifted.

I share this because there are many of us who are told that we should do this or that we should do that. Some of us are aware of the thing that God has placed inside of us but we are not always ready to see that vision that God has for our life. Maybe you shouldn’t see that vision yet. It could be that God wishes to see how much you trust God and how obedient you are willing to be. I don’t see the vision but I am walking the path because I trust God and I know that God will only lead me into situations for my highest good and that glorify God. So don’t ignore God when he sends messages to you through others or when he whispers in your ears. God doesn’t always reveal his purpose but you can believe that if you are obedient you will know exactly what to do when the time is right. Trust God and be obedient.

Do you know how to balance your life? So many people “want it all.” They want a relationship, they want a family, they want a career. They want all the trappings of success. God says that he wants us to have our heart’s desires but he also wants us to know that when we focus on him, all of these things are there.

God says you must learn to focus on one thing at a time because when you don’t, you lose out on Blessings from him. God says everyone is competing with each other but not for HIS  attention. God says I AM the way, I AM the truth, I AM the light. God says follow me and all will be yours.

God provides to all and there is no shortage. Love each other and allow God to love you. God says stop looking for romantic love  and start giving unconditional love. God says learn how to receive love and be picky about who you receive love from.

God says listen and know I AM God.

Father’s Day is here again and many of us are missing our dads. Some of us are missing fathers who have gone to be with God, some of us are missing fathers who are no longer in our life and then there are those of us who have never had our fathers in our life.  No matter what the reason for missing your dad, the pain is real and sometimes harsh. When we watch all of the others who enjoy their experiences with their dads we must retreat back to our memories for how it was or to our imaginations for how it could have been.

I miss my dad and there are many others who miss their dads but it’s okay. Some of us  feel sad and some of us feel lonely. We have to recognize that the feelings come from the love we have for our dads. I trust and believe that my dad is fine in the presence of God.  Memories come to me of growing up and recalling some of the things that I experienced with my dad. There were good times, bad times and ugly times but they were still important because those times involved me and my dad. I love him for that.

There were many lessons that I learned from my dad. I watched as he worked two jobs and very rarely took a day off. He was serious about showing up for work and being there on time. He was very loyal to helping other family members. Sometimes it meant that he would give them money and sometimes it meant that he recommended them for a job. My dad accepted responsibility and I find that I learned that lesson from him.

My dad loved the New York Mets baseball team. He claimed them as his team when they first joined the league and he stayed true to them as a fan through good times and bad times. My dad was a big fan of the singer Sam Cooke. I remember he took me with him to see Sam Cooke in concert when I was a little girl. I also remember going to a baseball game with my dad, to see the Mets of course. My dad loved to bowl but he was not a recreational bowler. My dad played to win every time. These are just a few of the memories that stayed  with me about my dad, I’m sure my sisters each have their own memories of my dad which are important to them.

I watched my dad go from a very independent person who took care of himself and others to a man who struggled with the reality of having to depend on others. He did not accept that easily. He still believed that he was able to do the things that he use to do but that was not the case. My dad was losing his eyesight and he was in denial about that. The Parkinson’s Disease was stealing his motor ability and he wasn’t happy about that. My dad was in the beginning stages of dementia and I watched as he inserted himself in the stories that he heard on the television. I watched him fight against these things and more but he was not winning that battle.

It was after my dad died that I realized how much of an influence he was and is in my life. My dad has been a very large influence in my spiritual growth and I thought that it was all my mom. She has her influence but so does he. I asked my dad to forgive me for those times when I fell short as his daughter and as his caregiver. I also had to let him know that I forgave him for those times when he fell short as my father and my caregiver. I have prayed and asked God to take care of my parents and to let them know how much I love them.

To those of us who have grandfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins or friends who have taken the time to teach us something or look out for us, take the time to wish them a Happy Father’s Day. Give it with love because you don’t know what their life circumstances are. Do not judge their past just bless their present. Those of you who are fathers but do not have a relationship with your children, God has provided healing for you through your children. Take advantage of that. It is said that when you nurture a child, you also nurture that child inside of you. If you did not have a relationship with your father use this time to change your family legacy.

God has promised us all that we are not alone. Go to God, admit that you need help and accept the help that God sends you. It’s not difficult to do but it does take courage to admit that you are not able to do it on your own. Remember one thing throughout all of this, your children love you and they need you and they want you. Love them the way you wish you had been loved. And to all those who are not present with their fathers on this day, tell them that you forgive them and love them. It will help you and them.

I love you and I miss you daddy, Happy Father’s Day.