It’s been a while since I’ve written here and I really can’t explain why I haven’t. I’m writing now. This is my place where I sat with my grief and sadness. I’m back again. The sadness has returned but not as strong as it has been in the past. It’s been 6 years since I became intimate with sadness and grief. Our relationship has changed in certain ways but we’re still connected with each other. I’m beginning to understand that we will be connected for as long as I’m alive.
It was April 2013 when my mother died. My life has not been the same since then. In May 2014 my father died. It hasn’t been all bad. There have been some amazing and wonderful things which have transpired in the years since they’ve been gone. There have been some things that occurred in my life which amplified the fact that my parents were no longer here on this earth. So here I am present in the world with my parents gone. There have been so many times when I’ve reached for them and I’ve been jolted back into reality with the fact that they’re gone.
Today is my dad’s birthday. Next week is Thanksgiving Day which happens to fall on my parent’s wedding anniversary this year. I’ve noticed that sadness and grief have been walking behind me. Following me. Today sadness and grief are closer than they have been in a while. I realize that the holidays are the magnet which draws them closer to me. I’m not the only one to have an intimate relationship with sadness and grief. There are plenty of people going through similar experiences. Some are dealing with sadness and grief for the very first time. Some know that there is something going on but they are not familiar with it’s name.
I have learned that when sadness and grief show up I allow them to sit with me. I allow myself to feel them and I allow them to heal me. Some days that means that I sit and cry. I talk with my parents and I talk with God. I allow sadness and grief to fill me and wash over me but I control how long they are allowed to stay. I give sadness and grief their time and they give me back my time. I had to learn how to work with sadness and grief if I wished to continue in this life. I have come to understand that I need them just as much as they need me.
I have come to realize that sadness and grief will be a part of my life for as long as I live. It is because of the love that I have for my parents. I can’t change that nor would I want to change it. I have continued to live although it was much more difficult during those early years than it is now. I still have a difficult time celebrating holidays such as Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. These are not happy times for me so I tend to stay to myself. I find things that I can do to distract myself so that I am able to get through these days.
I am thankful and grateful to be here even though it means keeping my two companions, sadness and grief. They are not always up front and in my face, but they are a part of my reality and that’s okay. I know that this is all a part of my life experience and I have to make the best of it. I also know that God teaches me with love how to continue in this life and for that I am forever grateful.
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