May

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the death of my father. He died on Monday, May 19, 2014.  I’m not sure of the exact time of his death but it was between 7:30 and 8:30 am. My dad was bedridden at the time of his death and he suffered with Parkinson Disease, diabetes, and he was a prostate cancer survivor. Daddy was at home in his bedroom when he died and that’s what he wanted.

My dad was a very independent man and the illnesses that he suffered took away that independence. He only had about 20% of his eyesight left because of diabetes and glaucoma. The Parkinson disease changed his life because he suffered with tremors. His hands shook uncontrollably. Although he had medication to help with the severity of the tremors it did not stop them completely.  My dad also suffered with dementia but he always knew who we were.

My father worked two jobs so that my mom could stay home and take care of me and my sisters. He was a motorman for the New York City Transit Authority. He drove the subway train and he loved it. He was also a part-time cook at the Board of Eduction. He was responsible for preparing the lunch for kids in public school. So dad could cook.

I miss my dad and if any of you have experienced someone who you love going through dementia, then you know that it can be stressful at times. Some days were good days for him and some days, not so much. I do thank God that it was not as bad as it could have been. Losing my dad while I was still trying to grapple with the loss of my mom was difficult. Within 13 months both of my parents were gone. The grief has been overwhelming at times but God has been patient with me and has taught me so much about this life that we live.

It takes time to get through this life without the people you love and depended on. Now that they are no longer in this physical world, life can be very confusing and very lonely. The missing is the hard part and the darkness inside that tunnel of confusion can make it difficult to see that pinhole of light at the end of it. God has promised us that we will not be alone and I have found that to be true. God has been leading me through the dark days and the light days. For that I am grateful because I would not have been able to do it alone.

For those of you who are feeling the pain of loss, take one step at a time. Your grief experience is yours and no one can have it for you. Cry when you feel like it. Find someone who will listen to you when you have the need to talk about your loss. Write down your feeling about your loss. Go to grief counseling. Find books written by those people who have experienced the grief. There may be something in their story that helps to ease some of your pain. Know that you are not alone. There are more of us than you may think.

I love you daddy and I miss you.