Grief

I was able to get through the 4th anniversary of my mother’s death on April 23 and I have to admit that it wasn’t as painful as the previous ones. I still miss my mother but I do have a better feeling about her not being here. There is no magic answer for how long you hurt. One thing that I’ve learned about this thing called grief, it’s a very personal experience.

Grief shows up after a loss. That loss can be a person, a job, a home or anything that is valuable to you. The loss of a person may be due to death or it may be a loss due to the ending of a relationship. It doesn’t matter the reason for the loss, it is the pain, confusion, emptiness and other depressive feelings that often results in the appearance of grief. Grief is a natural process that shows how much that loss has affected our lives. Grief is also a very personal experience and no two people will grieve in the same way. There are no rules governing grief and there are times when it seems that grief does not play fair. I can tell you what happened to me and some of you may notice some similarities.

My world turned upside down after my mom died. The emptiness that I felt was overwhelming. For the first time in my life I was so confused and had no idea what to do. I had no desire to do anything. My dad was not able to travel to South Carolina to attend my mother’s funeral so he and I were here in New York.  I realize that we both missed out on a very important part of the grieving process. We missed the opportunity to be around family and friends who were sharing in our loss. We were isolated from the rest of the family at a time when we probably needed them the most to help us through our grief.

My dad and I also missed out on two happy events that occurred during the month of May in 2013. My nephew graduated from graduate school and his wedding was a few days later. So here again, my dad and I were isolated from the rest of the family during a time which may have helped us during our grief. My mom was a very important person in each of our lives and the pain was tremendous. This was no one’s fault, things happened the way they happened. I must admit that during those early days after my mother’s death I was blinded by my pain and confusion. This was a new feeling and experience for me. One that was totally unfamiliar.

I stumbled through day after day and things did not get any easier for me. I realized that I was lost without my mother and many of my friends and family members couldn’t do anything to help me. I later found out that many people in my life thought that I had everything under control. In their eyes I was strong so I didn’t need the comfort and care that would have been given if the perception was that I was not so strong. Sometimes people will call you strong so that they don’t have to shoulder any of the responsibility and relieve themselves of any guilt. I wasn’t strong, I did the things that I did because I had to do them. But even if I was strong this was different, this was my mother’s death. And yes, I know that there are plenty of people who have lost their parents and my condolences go to them, but this was my mother and yes, it was traumatic for me. Strong people need other people’s strength sometimes, especially when they are hurting. Try asking them if they need anything. Ask them if they want or need to talk about their feelings.

I found out what many others before me probably knew, when you are grieving you have the uncontrollable need to talk about the experience you had surrounding the loss. Most people are kind, they will listen to you talk about what happened while you were suffering your loss. But be aware that some will only tolerate listening to that story one or two times. They will then make excuses so they don’t have to suffer through another telling of your tragedy. And that is painful. Please understand that this is not everyone but it does occur. If some people have not experienced the pain of grief, many of them have no patience or understanding of what you’re going through. Sometimes people who have not suffered loss or experienced grief are afraid of it and when we allow fear to control our actions it can be painful for everyone. Some of us are lucky and we have friends or family members who are patient and loving and only want for us to become whole again.

Some of us aren’t that lucky and we must go to private counseling and therapy to wrestle with the feelings that are taking over our lives. One-on-one meetings with a psychiatrist or psychologist may be necessary to get a handle on your feelings. Group counseling dealing with grief may be another option. I can tell you that I’ve gone through all of these things. I looked for answers and I did everything I could to get myself together. I’m not ashamed of searching for help or accepting it and I recommend it to everyone. The loss of my parents changed my life and I have not been the same since. I will never be the same again.

The void that you feel in your life is real and don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not. I’m here to tell you that there is light at the end of that tunnel of darkness that you’re going through. This is just one aspect of dealing with grief. There are many more. I’m not over the grief of my parents. I don’t believe that I ever will be, but I am able to function better and I have a better understanding of how I should allow grief to heal me. I realize now that God was leading me every step of the way to my healing. God is still leading me. Writing this blog is a part of that healing.